Tuesday, 22 September 2009

So long summer

"Hello, Good evening and Welcome"

The long cold and drizzly summer of 2009 is officially over. It's back to life in the P.R world and 2009/2010 looks like an exciting academic year for the Leeds Met Students Union Public Relation Department.

We have all spent the summer globetrotting around the world, adding to our P.R experience and generally being young and frivolous. On the Friday the 25th of September we will be holding a stall at this year’s Freshers Fair to try and recruit some fresh blood to add to already talented team.

After my meeting with the big boss man Ben Mac, I will be able to add a calendar of events so that students can pick and choose which events they want to contribute to.

On another note here is an article written by yours truly for the Freshers addition of "Leeds On"

George Berkeley once famously pondered "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I thought about this philosophical riddle as I walked into my bedroom with a tray of hot soup and toast, and placed it on my girlfriends lap. My thoughts were this "If my swine flu infected girlfriend calls out for her pillows to be puffed, or for the channel to be switched over to Loose Women or for another Lemsip and no one is around to hear her, does she make a sound?" granted mine is slightly less poetic than George's, however I, unlike Georgey boy, know the answer to my riddle. The answer is simply, there is no conceivable situation in which I would ever be able to leave my girlfriends side as she battled against her feet becoming trotters, growing a corkscrew shaped penis and losing the ability to look upwards, even if I wanted to, the emotional leash round my young neck was fascinated far too tight. So of course the solution to my philosophical ponderment is that the whole idea is flawed because during my girlfriends many hours of need there is no way I was leaving the flat.

Now I am well aware of the dangers of the H1N1 virus and in no way am I talking candidly about the infection before thoroughly researching the subject. The BBC news reported in late August that the deaths relating to swine flu in England and Scotland stood at 40 and that all of these cases related to people with underlying medical problems. This is proof enough that the infection is still a massive problem for our country and with winter round the corner it seems the government is desperate to vaccinate the most at risk groups, pregnant women and children, with plans unveiled to vaccinate 13 million people in the first wave of injections. I think that’s about enough research. So the problem I have with the whole episode is that in my experience, as soon as anyone has a little sniffle, a tickly cough or the desire to eat from a trough they don't just jump on the pig flu bandwagon they request to drive the bloody thing. “Pig flu will kill 40 a day” shouted one tabloid rather sensationally and then suddenly work colleagues, football teammates and even my own girlfriend were struck down faster than Nick Griffin at a Lethal Bizzle gig. Now, I know most of them had no contact with a doctor, so unless the people who I work with in the Halifax call centre, or my mates who struggle with the Box pub quiz, or my girlfriend who failed to point out where Wales was on a map of the U.K, have all secretly got PHD's then surely their self diagnosis is nonsense. Coincidentally they do all read the Sun, strange.

After my girlfriend got through a pocket sized pack of Kleenex she decided it was time to call the flu hotline. The man on the other end of the phone began to read a script of questions to her, these were used to determine whether or not she was infected. "Are you currently having a fit?" asked the helpful gentleman, "No, but my boyfriend just threw one after I complained about the temperature of my coffee" she joked, obviously loss of sarcasm isn't a symptom. The flu inspector went on to ask more questions like "Can your chin touch your neck comfortably?" I stopped myself from asking which chin of my girlfriends he meant, as I thought this might inflame the situation and as my matador’s sword was not within reach in case I needed to tame a raging pig, I kept stum. With all her might she called on all the things she had learnt in G.C.S.E drama to continue the mobile examination, she played young women on deaths door extremely well, she was more convincing than the nanny in "the hand the rocks the cradle" and after putting down the phone nodded and told me my next task was to drive 4 miles and pick up the antidote, the magical Tamiflu.The man on the phone had told her because she had 3 of the 5 main symptoms, chances are she was one of the infected and because of this she had to be quarantined, she spoke like she was in a scene from the sequel of “28 weeks later”. “28 trotters later”.

Her symptoms included a sore throat, a cough and blocked ears. I don’t know what the hell blocked ears are because she could clearly hear what Ruth from Hollyoaks was babbling on about as she transformed some deserving souls house into an IKEA clad eyesore in 60 minutes. Needless to say I took my orders and returned with the ten capsules. Four capsules and two and half days later my girlfriend was conveniently well enough to enjoy her 23rd birthday. Celebrations included a saunter round Meadowhall, lunch at Yo Sushi!, where she stayed true to her piglet roots and had pork and quail egg yakatori and the evening culminated with a fine dining experience with her doting father. I thought this was quite an achievement for someone who was bedridden only 24 hours previous and that needed breakfast, lunch and dinner made for her in bed. Unfortunately for me loss of appetite was not a symptom.

I’m pretty sure that if swine flu had not been shoved down our throats like a hog roast sandwich with extra crackling that little sniffles and tickly coughs could have just been cleared up with a Lemsip and kick up the arse, which is how my dad used to cure my ailments and I turned out just fine.

I understand the need for prevention and that the government have a responsibility to protect the people of this great island, but if I see another Facebook status saying “bedridden and on Tamiflu” I’m going to do the unthinkable and delete my Facebook profile, imagine that, a world where I’m not inundated with inane drivel from people who I used to go to primary school with telling me about their latest pregnancy or which “Skins” cast member is the most shagable.I’m sure that I will come under much criticism from sufferers of the H1N1 virus and I’m sure many will call for my resignation and a public apology, well to them people I say you’ve got more chance of seeing..........I’ll let you finish that one.

1 comment:

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